Monday, December 05, 2005


US outsources Iran invasion to Iranian military
15 Jun 2005 by Glory SergeiEconomists fretting over the snowballing US public deficit were given a fillip today, as the Department of Defense announced plans to outsource the bulk of its planned invasion of Iran to the Iranian military.All large-scale ground assaults, targeted missile attacks, journalist executions and prisoner humiliations will be farmed out to Tehran in a deal expected to save some 47 billion dollars, revealed Douglas J. Feith, Under Secretary of Defense for Policy. "It just makes an awful lot of sense," said Feith. "The Iranian army has a good working knowledge of the country, access to high-level intelligence and, if it comes to it, three or four pretty powerful nuclear weapons."The contract was signed by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and Iranian Interior Minister Abdolvahed Mousavi Lari. Iran's winning bid was undisclosed, but the Gulf State is known to have fought off strong competition in the tender from Scotland, Peru and Bangalore Telecoms Solutions LLC.Feith said the Pentagon was as much impressed by Iran's ability to work swiftly, as with the financial aspects of the bid."The Islamic Revolutionary Guard, or Pasdaran, can deploy within hours, and be slaughtering innocent women and children at a time when our death-laden planes would still be crossing the Atlantic.""It's a fantastic opportunity," he said.Iranian President Seyed Mohammad Khatami is understood to have approved the deal on the condition he is given full credit and publicity for his own capture. According to early blueprints for the internal invasion seen by DeadBrain, that is currently scheduled to take place in a claustrophobic bolthole on a remote farm in the north of the country on 17th September.The plans also reveal that the Iranian air force will launch an audacious and devastating attack on the Presidential Palace, before crash landing en masse into the television headquarters to the south. The army meanwhile will drown in its entirety during a foolhardy but successful effort to scupper the naval fleet, massed in the Caspian Sea.The project does not have unanimous approval though, and US Army union bosses have slammed the move as damaging for the killing-people industry back at home."If it truly were about hiring qualified workers rather than flooding the market with cheap labour, then why not invest in teaching our school kids how to fire red-hot shards of metal into the soft, fragile bodies of evil Muslims?" asked USAU official Morgan Truss.

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